||[Dec. 31st, 2005|02:06 am]
i haven't anything exciting to report. i live in solitude. by choice, mostly. it's part of my plan that i promised i wouldn't allow myself to speak of, but i find it comforting and reassuring to hear the echoing of my voice in my head as i write this. a mirror effect, i guess. egotism and such. whatever, just hear me out.|
it's been a year and a half since i've been out of school. who am i kidding? all of these failed attempts at starting school. i use the word "failed" loosely, rather, i never got my mind focused enough to actually go through the task of filling out an application. i'd done it before. with much apprehension, of course. it overwhelms me, the process of being initiated, as a whole. the process of finding my classrooms, going through the sordid motions of establishing my personality in a new atmosphere, conversely, undergoing the task of having others bestow their personalities at your disposal. learning to drive, yet another task that overwhelms. i seek solitude, but abhor the slightest responsibilities of independence. whatever, i'll quit this and pick up with my plan, as stated above, and quit boring those who are actually still reading.
the way i see it, i graduated and had a year of experience. without that year, i'd be a miserable photographer's assistant right now. probably working in the same building i work in now. i'd experienced so much, lost three friends, witnessed others continue to lose the battle, fought the battle, won and am now seeking refuge in solitude.
that was phase one. experience life outside of a classroom.
phase two is my solitude. self discovery.
phase three, of course, is college. instead of setting a goal, which never does me any good, i'll just say that within a year or less, i'd like to attend college.
why do i talk about this so much, you ask? it haunts me. day and night. i feel as if i'm wasting time. i graduated with people that are almost through with collge, though, not content. not content nor focused enough to find the experience enrinching beyond getting their degrees. i see them occassionally and they've nothing very positive nor negative to speak of the experience itself, rather their daily routine. they seem indifferent to notice the slow process of personal evolution at hand. i'd like to go to college with a different attitude than high school. positive and aware of my existence in that classroom, rather than itching to leave early and having my mind only on things beyond those four walls. focus, i guess would sum it up.