...

sell_me_xanax @ 2006-01-04T03:01:00

2006-01-04T09:03:33Z

for once, i've got some news.

my sister's been looking for a minister to marry her and her fiance. the idea came about that i become ordained online, and such, and marry them. so, yeh, i'm marrying my sister in july.

on a shitty note, i have to go for several tests for my stomach.

sell_me_xanax @ 2006-01-02T17:06:00

2006-01-02T23:06:18Z

i just awoke from a dream where rufus wainwright had passed away {meth OD}. his funeral and wake were public in the city, but it wasn't normal manhattan. it was the ruins of manhattan. my sister and father came with me. there, we all learned of his true identity...

he was a neo-nazi named gerard.

i don't think i got the gig...

2006-01-02T09:53:10Z

sell_me_xanax @ 2006-01-01T02:59:00

2006-01-01T09:06:24Z

happy new year, all.

met my aunt's new boyfriend tonight and realized for the first time really that my uncle's dead. basically just stayed in my room all night, pondering, playing with his old cameras. i had bought this new guy friend a cigar as a greeting gift, he was warmed by the gesture, and it a HELL of a lot of strength to stop the tears from streaming out of my eyes. he looked just like my uncle sitting on the couch with oversized cuffed jeans, skinny black belt, cell phone hooked to the belt, tucked in button down shirt, black sneakers, and a slight comb over. weird.

other than that, new years wasn't too bad.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-12-31T02:06:00

2005-12-31T08:38:25Z

i haven't anything exciting to report. i live in solitude. by choice, mostly. it's part of my plan that i promised i wouldn't allow myself to speak of, but i find it comforting and reassuring to hear the echoing of my voice in my head as i write this. a mirror effect, i guess. egotism and such. whatever, just hear me out.

it's been a year and a half since i've been out of school. who am i kidding? all of these failed attempts at starting school. i use the word "failed" loosely, rather, i never got my mind focused enough to actually go through the task of filling out an application. i'd done it before. with much apprehension, of course. it overwhelms me, the process of being initiated, as a whole. the process of finding my classrooms, going through the sordid motions of establishing my personality in a new atmosphere, conversely, undergoing the task of having others bestow their personalities at your disposal. learning to drive, yet another task that overwhelms. i seek solitude, but abhor the slightest responsibilities of independence. whatever, i'll quit this and pick up with my plan, as stated above, and quit boring those who are actually still reading.

the way i see it, i graduated and had a year of experience. without that year, i'd be a miserable photographer's assistant right now. probably working in the same building i work in now. i'd experienced so much, lost three friends, witnessed others continue to lose the battle, fought the battle, won and am now seeking refuge in solitude.

that was phase one. experience life outside of a classroom.

phase two is my solitude. self discovery.

phase three, of course, is college. instead of setting a goal, which never does me any good, i'll just say that within a year or less, i'd like to attend college.

why do i talk about this so much, you ask? it haunts me. day and night. i feel as if i'm wasting time. i graduated with people that are almost through with collge, though, not content. not content nor focused enough to find the experience enrinching beyond getting their degrees. i see them occassionally and they've nothing very positive nor negative to speak of the experience itself, rather their daily routine. they seem indifferent to notice the slow process of personal evolution at hand. i'd like to go to college with a different attitude than high school. positive and aware of my existence in that classroom, rather than itching to leave early and having my mind only on things beyond those four walls. focus, i guess would sum it up.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-12-24T02:05:00

2005-12-24T08:08:59Z

hello.

i'm alive. and well. very well.

working and reading lots. keeping to myself.

really don't have the energy to start anew in this neighborhood. i'm saving that energy for college in the fall. 'till then, it's just sartre and i.

it's better that way. he doesn't give me any crap. doesn't invade my space. or the like. it's a good arrangement.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-11-02T19:45:00

2005-11-03T01:45:11Z

i'm feeling extremely optimistic.

this might only last a good minute or two, so i thought i'd share it.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-11-01T20:39:00

2005-11-02T02:53:35Z

halloween was just another day. i was asleep before 12.

a friend of mine died last night. not the one that got shot, but another. i didn't find out 'till i came home on my lunch break.

i'm taking all of this violence as an omen. i also have the drowning/apnea dream constantly.

death and dead ends. the realization of being on the path towards the dead end. the realization that people deserve all of this destruction. possibly myself, in fact.

i get angry when i realize i've invested too much of myself into someone that can't reciprocate the feelings. i'll vent to my parents, only to receive the same answer over and over; they're not worth the pain. i deserve what i get for being so naive.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-25T19:54:00

2005-10-26T00:54:24Z

the mayor was at work today.

and my appendix apparently wants out.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-24T20:40:00

2005-10-25T01:43:22Z

my mother's trying to get me a full time job in customer service. old people CONSTANTLY. but i'd rather work, at the moment.

i kind of feel like a loser for it, but i really don't care anymore. i'm content with where i am at the moment and i'll go to school when i'm ready.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-17T01:29:00

2005-10-17T06:44:16Z

i'm lying in bed, eating airheads, and watching home movies. my high's starting to wear off and i'm cuddling my croched blanket in my arms. i keep hearing my dogs barking, but i figure they're just startled by the wind; especially bella, she's a puppy.

"ali! what the hell's going on down there?" i hear my mother yelling down the steps. i get out of bed, open the door, and see my mother trotting down the hallway with bed hair and her night gown. my father's following closely, rubbing his eyes and adjusting his shorts that he's just put on. as they both walk towards my room down the hall, in their room, i can see a faint flashing light through the blinds.

"it's cops!"

now, a million thoughts are running through my head. where'd they find my sister's body? did my grandmother REALLY trip over the vacuum? how far did my brother-in-law get thrown out of his SUV on impact?...you know, run of the mill, ordinary worries arise.

my father opens the door and finds my neighbor and a pre-pubescent male officer poking their heads into the doorway.

"is ali home?! where's ali?! michael's been shot!! tell ali to watch the girls, please!" my neighbor screamed as she ran into a police cruiser parked at the opening of my driveway. the officer followed, and we three stood with our jaws at our toes.

michael? you mean, my first boyfriend michael? you mean, the same michael i've been good friends with for ten years? you sure you have the right michael?

apparently so. it seems he'd been walking and got shot in the back. of course, there's much, much more to this story. i could gossip and assume to high heaven, but that'd be a bit too tactless, even for me. what i do know is that i feel a certain degree of guilt for being relieved. relieved that i got out when i did.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-15T23:33:00

2005-10-16T04:35:00Z

i just...need...to be alone...but when i'm not alone...i need you to be ready to be my puppet again.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-15T16:38:00

2005-10-15T21:42:08Z

it's the middle of the night on what appears to be the goethals bridge, we're zipping along at a good 90 mph. to make matters worse, we're the only car crossing the bridge. i look to my left every few seconds to see my friend's red mane whipping around in fury over trickles of sweat.

"stop hitting the fucking curb! what the fuck, man...do you want to wind up in the water?"

"yo, shut up. we have to cross!"

it sounds like elliott smith's blasting on the radio. i look down and the water's so calm and beautiful and mysterious. so calming, yet so fucking dangerous. i mean, i'm sure i'd probably be dead before i even hit the water, but just thinking of it's calm flowing all over my body seems to put part of me at ease. they'll fish our bodies out by noon, probably.

"does this fucking bridge ever end?!" she says. i look over and all i see are red curls. everywhere. her head won't stop moving. i hear her breathing over the music.

i see an ambulence zip passed us on the opposite side of the divider. only problem is, he's not on the actual road, but driving on the small piece of bridge that jets out along the length of the road and, more closely, the water.

"gil, just fucking slow down. and stop hitting the fucking curb!"

what happens next is a total mystery. the red curls stop moving. in fact, now, there's no noise in the car but elliott's guitar. we've broken through the outter divider and are now headed down towards the dark, beautiful, mysterious water.

"is there anything i can do that someone doesn't do for you? that someone doesn't do for you? that i've already done for youuuu..."

we've hit the water and i've yet to take my last breath. the car's interior's becoming crowded with the company of liter upon liter of fresh water. i try to climb up the back of my seat as to escape it's embrace. since there doesn't appear to be any hope for my legs escaping the tight liquid hold of the water, i might as well just relax and allow fate to take it's course. i sit back in my seat, fully accepting the destructive force on my lap. i put my head back and watch as my curls dance above me in the distant moon light.

i've had this dream countless times. middle of the night. driving on a bridge or road in the middle of the water. drowning. fin.

you know what it is? sleep apnea.

xaviere lives on, apparently.

2005-10-11T04:33:17Z

i haven't written a personal entry in quite a bit.

i felt like bearing a bit of my soul upon you lucky few misanthropes. so, let me tell you a little story.

once upon a time, there was a couple. a man and a woman whom are friends of mine. a man that has previously hit on me, but didn't get the goods. a woman i'm best friends with that used to be a sworn enemy. this couple's mighty free-thinking, if my drift is being caught, hopefully. now, before i allow you to jump to conclusions, nothing including three people in one bed has or will occur, but suffice it to say, and here's where my problem lies, i've fallen for one of the two.

fallen hard and unexpectedly.

do you know how large of a knot swells up in my throat every time i hear one say they'd love to spend every waking minute with the other?

there isn't a thing a could do. this i know. i've painted myself into the most claustrophobic corner of my mind.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-10-09T00:38:00

2005-10-09T05:43:46Z

new tattoo.

not the best angle and it's still fresh, but lookie look:

it's the auf der maur family crest.

i'm going back next week to get my wisdom knot outlined in red and perhaps something else. i love it, but i hate the people that work there. all tattoo parlors annoy me, actually. well, most. whatever...

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-26T18:16:00

2005-09-26T23:26:07Z

it seems to have come to my attention that the sole asset of my personality, being extremely sarcastic by nature, is exactly what keeps me from experiencing most of life's most fufilling relationships. it's my barrier. it's what keeps me from opening up or conversing lightly. it's also my entire personality.

i don't believe i can change this, nor do i think i want to.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-22T03:17:00

2005-09-22T08:18:56Z

my sister's planning to get married in june.

i'm not too thrilled.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-20T19:27:00

2005-09-21T00:25:44Z

stuff.

bicycle riding:
i love to ride my bicycle in the middle of the night, but it's also a mode of transportation whenever it's not extremely hot outside.
chuck palahniuk:
fiiiiiiight club. i tried to get my mother to read "choke" once, but she didn't make it very far before declaring me a pervert and throwing the book at me.
elliott smith:
heatmiser or solo, it's all good. "either/or" would be my favorite album.
howard zinn:
activist, historian, playwright, pacifist, essayist, author of "a people's history of the united states: 1492-present", and my favorite collection of his essays, "writings on disobedience and democracy"...
joy division:
"unknown pleasures" is one of the best albums ever made.
neil postman:
"amusing ourselves to death: public discourse in the age of show business" and "technopoly: the surrender of culture to technology" are amazing books written by this former nyu professor.
queens of the stoneage:
i'd say josh homme is a genius, but the better way to address such profound idol-worship towards him would be to say he's extremely talented.
stand-up comedy:
i used to secretly, and for a short period openly, fantasize about being a comic. it's a medium i'd like to explore someday. in some shape or form.
the ramones:
i was given "rocket to russia" and "road to ruin" on vinyl by a neighbor when i was about 12. he was emptying out the shed and came across all of his son's records. i scooped up as much as i could of what seemed tolerable. lot's of sabbath, zeppelin, kinks, maiden, and some other stuff. i'd only heard a few ramones songs prior to getting these albums, so i was most curious to hear these albums than any maiden albums. thank bajebus the ramones were introduced to me before high school.
whiskeytown:
what is there to say, really? ryan adams, ryan adams, ryan adams...

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sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-20T03:49:00

2005-09-20T08:49:00Z

i'm getting a vespa in the spring.

because i rule...

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-18T02:57:00

2005-09-18T08:06:43Z

the closer you come, it's likely i'll move twice as far away from you. i really don't have the patience to be close to people. that sounds lame. really lame, but all those emotions being carelessly thrown in your direction suck. all that weight on your shoulders to return the favor and be just as or even more attentive. so much pressure. i mean, i can't even ask the little booknerds that study in barnes & noble to please get up from sitting in the middle of the aisle with their study group while i just scan the B's for "naked lunch"...you're expecting much too much if you think being extremely nice is going to win my affection.

and you just KNOW they're giggling because of you. they KNOW you want them to move, god damnit. you KNOW they know you're nuts. do they know that i know they know, though? no, surely not. that's the "get out of jail free" card you'd use to stiffle their perverse little giggles.

i'm emotionally retarded, completely self-centered, and paranoid as fuck.

and i love stellastarr*.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-12T21:19:00

2005-09-13T02:19:39Z

i suck with responsibility.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-08T04:51:00

2005-09-08T09:59:22Z

i had to delete all my mp3s on my computer. bad times.

i have this complete sense of insecurity at my job. even though a chunk of my family's been there for 30+ years and it's quite doubtful they'd ever throw me out kicking and screaming, i still have this odd feeling i'm going to get fired one day for the slightest thing. sometimes, i just fantasize about throwing my headphones hard enough on the desk for the ear-piece to explode on impact into tiny little shards all over the glass top of the desk. i'll stand up and say, "i'm done!" and just casually walk out. though, i'd never have the balls to do this because i'd embaress my entire family, i can still dream.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-07T19:49:00

2005-09-08T00:49:44Z

everyone...say hello to skip, the 1963 sg junior of my dreams that i just ordered.

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-07T03:08:00

2005-09-07T08:08:35Z

i'm a loser. check it...

sell_me_xanax @ 2005-09-04T15:48:00

2005-09-04T20:46:42Z

today feels like the first day of the rest of my life, for some odd reason.